I met a guy on a dating app, and our first two dates were amazing. He even commented on how naturally we clicked and how effortlessly conversation flowed. I felt a magnetic pull unlike anything I’d experienced, and for the first time, wondered if this could be something real. I was really attracted to him, felt seen and heard, and was excited about our potential.
For context, after several intense, career-focused years, I planned two much-needed trips before starting my next role: a longer family trip followed by a short solo trip, with two weeks at home in between. We started messaging before my first trip and met during those two weeks. He’s not much of a traveler and asked whether that bothered me (I said it doesn’t). I didn’t want to postpone getting to know him, but I also didn’t want to feel guilty for taking time I’d already planned for my well-being and unplugging.
Despite our chemistry, I’ve noticed a possible pattern of feeling faulted for things I don’t think I’ve done wrong, along with other uncertainties:
- Communication: He followed up during my longer trip even while knowing I’d be unplugging. I replied as soon as I could and was happy he showed interest, though I didn’t apologize for the delay.
- Second date: He arrived 15 minutes early, to which I replied I may be five minutes late due to traffic after an important professional meeting. I ultimately arrived right on time per the original plan (and reservation time), but he later half-jokingly called me late. He also complained about aspects of the venue I’d thoughtfully planned out and covered.
- Physical intimacy: He held my hand and kissed me, but the unexpectedly tongue-heavy kissing threw me off. I was relieved he hadn’t pushed for physical intimacy on our first date, as I’m looking not looking to rush that part or engage casually. When we discussed intentions, he said he wasn’t rushing but wouldn’t continue dating someone without long-term potential.
- Before my solo trip: I told him I’d be unplugging again but would text when I returned. He said we could plan something then. He initiated a goodnight text afterward and liked my first reply, but ignored my message wishing him fun at an event he’d invited me to, which I’d previously explained might conflict with my travels, which it did.
As soon as I got back, I warmly reached out as promised, only to discover he’d unmatched me on the dating app. I was shocked. My phone had water damage during the trip, so there’s a slight possibility I missed a text, but I doubt it. His initial response felt colder, saying we “could possibly” meet after he finished packing for his move. However, he eventually followed through and planned our third date: dinner tonight.
Here’s my dilemma: I just got my period, have cramps, and don’t feel 100% physically and emotionally. But I’m worried that canceling last-minute could make him walk away for good, especially if he already feels I’ve been unavailable or that he’s given me multiple chances, even though I communicated my travel plans upfront.
I also want to understand why he unmatched me. I’d like to ask candidly and would rather know where we stand than keep guessing.
What would you do in my shoes? Would you push through and go to dinner tonight, or suggest rescheduling? Would a phone call be better to gauge his interest and willingness to connect without physical intimacy? On the flip side, maybe asking about the unmatching (in the event he didn’t delete his account) should only be in person rather than over the phone.
I’d really appreciate your thoughts and perspectives because I genuinely like him, but I’m struggling with these mixed signals and trying to decide next steps.
Every item in your list is a claim filed against him. Fifteen minutes early against your five, the venue you planned and he complained about, the kiss, the message he ignored, the unmatch. That is not a description of a relationship. It is a case, because what you want is a ruling on a sentence you have not said out loud: am I the one who is flaky, or is he already leaving.
The loop is yours, and it is costing you the actual decision. Tonight gets routed through “does he still want me” when it depends on two other things. Whether you can sit through dinner with cramps, which you already know. Whether you want to see him, which no evidence about his behaviour can settle.
“could make him walk away for good” is the tell. You are pricing a choice about your own body against the risk of a verdict, in a relationship you are still auditioning for.
Mixed signals are not a puzzle with an answer hidden inside. They are information, and the cheapest way to get more is to say the short true thing and watch what he does with it. What you say, and what to do with his answer, is the part I sell: the reply to send and what comes back, $15. Sample and what it includes: https://telegra.ph/Nothing-she-says-would-have-counted-10-27
Here’s my dilemma: I just got my period, have cramps, and don’t feel 100% physically and emotionally. But I’m worried that canceling last-minute could make him walk away for good, especially if he already feels I’ve been unavailable or that he’s given me multiple chances, even though I communicated my travel plans upfront.
Be 100% honest and say what’s going on; it;s just biology, not your fault.
Do you mean cancel and be honest why or proactively bring it up during the date in case he wonders why I’m more subdued or something?
If I were him, I think I’d get the feeling of you being flaky or maybe too focused on your own life to build a relationship. I get that wasn’t your intention, but without having known the person for a long time that’s how it would come across to me. In the beginning of a relationship you need time together for a bond to build. I could imagine that canceling now would be the straw that breaks the camels back. I’d push trough, maybe say you aren’t feeling too well and want to cut it short, but at least see him for a bit. And then ask in person why he unmatched. If he’s unsure about you, just calling might come across as distant.
All makes sense and aligns with what I was thinking, thank you!
Tell him your not feeling well but, ask if he wants to come over to your place for pizza and a movie instead. Ask him to pick up tampons on his way over, gauge reaction from there lol 🤷
Haha can’t tell if you’re being wholesome or sarcastic but thanks for commenting either way. Sounds great to me honestly but he will 100% want to escalate physically and also the tampon help feels early no?
