There have been a few changes over the course of my marriage. For the sake of this post, I’m gonna refer to just a few.
- My wife didn’t want to shave/wax anymore. Cool, you do you.
- She didn’t want to give oral anymore. Okay, that’s her right to decide what she wants and doesn’t want to do.
- We used to flirt and sext all day long and I’d be down for anything by the end of the day. She didn’t want to do this anymore, to better focus at work. Okay.
These, and other such changes are all reasonable and I’ve respected her choices without demanding anything. She has legit reasons for all the changes she’s made.
Buuuut it has come at the cost of me losing sexual attraction towards her and not being all that interested anymore.
When I reduced initiating, she picked up the mantle. Over time, I’m down to never initiating, and on most days actively turning her down. Drowning while others starve and all that.
As I write this, I can see that the comments are most likely going to be “therapy,” but that’s $$$ that’s gonna be hard to come by. Or “have you spoken to her about it?” – I haven’t, because I don’t know how to do so without sounding like “get waxed, and get on your knees.”
So, help??
If ‘The Real Her’ isnt what youre interested in? Well then 1. both you and her will have to talk about compromises that you two can work on together to stay together… 2. or youll have to just completely end the relationship if the compromises you two plan on making are too great for either of you to endure.
There are no third options in cases like this. THIS is what makes real , long-lasting relationships so hard to come by and to keep : 1. Either the compromises involved for oneor many of the parties involved are too overwhelming and they have to leave or 2. someone has difficulty finding a person that is very much like the type of person theyll love forever because when their partner finally reveals who ‘The Real Them’ is like they end up REALLLLY like that ‘The Real Them’ version of that person.
Thats how humanity has been when it comes to relationships for milenia that is problem how humanity will be like for ever. Take it or leave it , you dont have to play the game of dating if you dont want to. It is what it is.🤷🏿♂️
Best of wishes to them and anyon else who is going through a similar situation.
So she still likes sex with you, and initiates it, and that is not working for you? I don’t think the not shaving is a big deal if you still can go down on her but never oral for you, if she is not bothered by doing it, is not so ok. I don’t love it but if he likes it and I tolerate it (meaning there isn’t a reason to not want to - like really noxious cum, some guys really do taste foul, or if that’s all he wanted to do, or my ex was a once a week guy so if I got him off that way I would be frustrated for another week) I would do it and be turned on by his enjoyment. That seems like a pretty normal way to feel.
Flirting to get in the mood seems a reasonable ask, and something that would work for her too, was her work suffering?
I guess I’m wondering where y’all overlap, what things do you both enjoy?
ETA: I have also unfortunately been in situations where my high sex drive was a turnoff for the guy, like he thought it unladylike or something, like the guy should be the one who wants more. Is there any possibility that’s what is going on with you? Like it’s not the shaving or whatever, you just get turned off by her asking for it?
You never stop dating. That’s how you keep a relationship happy and healthy. It sounds like your wife stopped dating you.
This might be controversial but, your wife should do #1-3 because the person that did those things is the person you fell in love with. You don’t just get to stop trying because your married, and that goes for you to.
Yeah she stopped trying for sure. The question is why? Maybe OP stopped trying too.
Most likely, OP probably stop doing A, so his wife stopped doing B, so OP stopped doing C, and on and on. @fmlemmy@sh.itjust.works when’s the last time you bought you wife flowers, or cooked her favorite dinner, or slapped her ass?
The rest of our life is going great, thank you very much. :)
No, for real. I do buy her flowers, cook, and clean. I even go down on the rare occasions when we do it. I haven’t slapped her ass since, well, some time now.
Great example of why communication is so important
You just need to talk to her about it. Don’t say “you stopped shaving and I’m not attracted to you”, say “we slowed down a ton for perfectly valid reasons, but it has consequences. What do you think we should do?” People say that marriage takes work, this is what they mean. They also say communication is everything because it is. If you don’t talk about it, it will destroy your relationship.
Communication goes both ways. She’s communicated to you what she’s no longer interested in.
You need to communicate what you ARE interested in, and how you are feeling.
People change. My wife and I have been together for 8 years, and she’s changed a lot and I’ve never lost interest. We communicate about our feelings on EVERYTHING.
Not saying be blunt. You can voice your feelings gracefully, but you need to voice them.
Sounds like she spent a long time doing things to make you happy that didn’t make her happy
Sounds like you know what to do. Find a way to communicate with her about how your relationship is going and what you both want.
I can sympathize. But I have no helpful advice. My wife and I’s situation is more about her medical issues. Luckily we had a good decade or so and she is incredible but I have to get by on memories and lighter bonding activity. Hugs and kisses and being slapped on the ass have to get us through the day.
This is her real self.
Exactly. This IS the real her.
If ‘The Real Her’ isnt what youre interested in? Well then 1. both you and her will have to talk about compromises that you two can work on together to stay together… 2. or youll have to just completely end the relationship if the compromises you two plan on making are too great for either of you to endure.
There are no third options in cases like this. THIS is what makes real , long-lasting relationships so hard to come by and to keep : 1. Either the compromises involved for oneor many of the parties involved are too overwhelming and they have to leave or 2. someone has difficulty finding a person that is very much like the type of person theyll love forever because when their partner finally reveals who ‘The Real Them’ is like they REALLLLY like that person.
Thats how humanity has been when it comes to relationships for milenia that is problem how humanity will be like for ever. Take it or leave it , you dont have to play the game of dating if you dont want to. It is what it is.🤷🏿♂️
Best of wishes to them and anyon else who is going theough a similar situation.
